David Gerard

By David Gerard
CNHI News Service

PETA should lighten up.
The animal rights advocate, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, recently chided Punxsutawney, Pa., for keeping Phil cooped up all year long, only to drag him out every Feb. 2 into bright television lights and a crowd of people.
Phil is the groundhog who supposedly predicts whether winter lasts six more weeks if he sees his shadow, and if he doesn’t, winter goes on forever or it’s over that day or something like that — who cares or even pays attention?
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As far as I’m concerned, Punxsutawney Phil is about as accurate as weathermen, so it’s half dozen of one or six of the other, groundhogs or weathermen — and to be politically correct, weatherwomen.
The development of weatherwomen is very interesting. Of course, the weatherwoman originally was about equal opportunity, but we all know news channels used the opportunity to spice up weather reports with sex appeal, otherwise more weatherwomen would look like groundhogs. But they don’t. Most are very shapely, especially on the Spanish Channel. A buddy once told me that, and though I haven’t conducted a lengthy study, he might be right.
But in the end, when it comes to weathermen and weatherwomen, it’s six of one or a half dozen of the other, especially when it comes to personality. It’s like all weather reporters are on methamphetamine. They’re hyped, animated and corny, as if they all took the same Willard Scott Course on Manic Meteorological Reporting.
I have a theory. It didn’t come to me until I got this e-mail last week from Chad Kister, but I think it’s true, if we can trust Chad.
Chad’s an interesting fellow. I don’t know him personally, but he an environmentalist and fisherman. He states on his Web site he conducts ecotours in southeast Ohio, where he lives. But besides having an interest in ecology, Chad has an interest in politics. He’s sure the government is placing computer chips in Ohioans’ heads against their will in order to control their thoughts and actions.
I guess the deal is, according to Chad, is that people go in for an appendectomy or to have their wisdom teeth removed, and zip, the doctors — who obviously are in on this government plot — also perform a brain implant.
It’s really not too far-fetched, seeing as the government wants to take over health care. That’s why the federal government wants control. That way it would have unlimited access to installing chips in American citizens’ brains. It’s not about death panels and rationing care. It’s ultimately about controlling all of American society.
I think Chad’s onto something. And I think the trial for these brain implants is with weathermen and weatherwomen. They aren’t being trained in school so much as they are being controlled by the federal government. Why else would weather people all be so alike? And why else would they be wrong so often if the government wasn’t behind it?
See what I mean?
This is something we should be up in arms about — not whether the people of Punxsutawney are abusing a groundhog by holding it up to the sun or clouds once a year.
I admire PETA for its stand against cruelty to animals, but let Punxsutawney citizens have some fun dressing up, showing off chubby Phil and acting out some weird ancient myth. It’s not hurting him or them. One day we’ll all have chips in our heads like weathermen, and we’ll act even goofier.

David Gerard writes for the Muskogee (Okla.) Phoenix. He can be reached at dgerard@muskogeephoenix.com. CNHI News Service distributes his column.